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Sunday, January 30

Red and yellow and pink and green

Purple and orange and blue...

I can sing a rainbow

sing a rainbow

sing a rainbow too.

You know how i love this song especially when it's sung by you.
Not that it's hao ting, but i just like to hear you sing.

Actually just now, i really wanted to do something but i forgot! now you imagine ok? heh.

*look at your two small eyes*
*stretch out my hands to shake yours*
*mess up your hair*
*say "ni zhang da le. happy birthday mei."*
*hugs*

Heh. Hope you really like the presents(although i think quite lame eh the box.) and especially the card. I really really wanted to do a better one de, but really very busy last few days. I promised next year's will be a lot better!

So anyway, glad you really enjoyed your big day this year and just wanna say..

"i luv u mei. =)"

Heli Dont ask me why 10:14 PM

Monday, January 24

Monday Blues.

Can't help sulking now. To think of doing the props for the bai yun gang, sighs i can't help but really feel unhappy doing it. Well, i did try to enjoy and make an effort to like what i'm doing. But nah i'm not complaining anything, just somehow don't like to do such things anymore. Funny i find myself liking peaceful life already. Just wonder how i manage those hectic days. *looked back*

Well this week is going to stretch me and i begin to feel stretchy le. Gotta finalised the quotations and finished the backdrops by this week. And i try to touch on my math tutorial 4 but didn't complete half of it cos i really don't know what i'm doing. And then i did my econs too but apparently i've only 2 graphs and i still have yet to conclude. 25 marks. Wonder what nandwani is going to scribble in red this time round on my papers.

Okie i'm really rather paranoid over here cos my msn isn't working and i don't know who to splash all these nonsense to. Though its just a phone call away, but i don't splash things over the phone see? Booooooooooo.

Sometimes i just wish my thoughts stayed in my mind for a while longer. Positive thoughts really. I somehow sometimes can just you know picture myself so well coping things really fine and that i know it's going to be a brighter day. And i really get very positive about it and really starts to get things going. But you see it doesn't last long. Then very soon i just starts to psycho myself that ya things will be fine and i start to doubt myself too. Blah. paranoid you called it.

*my msn is still not working. i want to talk!*

Sighs. even the msn is not showing slightest form of sympathy by allowing me to log on. Yeah so i'm just going to talk to myself here. Shut up and listen heli.

"you're gonna be so fine this week. Just drink lots of water and stay cool and calm and cute about all things and at all times be reminded that you're not alone ok? Remember to rest in Him and believe that he's the pillar you can hold and lean on to always. Always gerl. and then give your smile a wide smile everyday!"

Oh i wanted to say something. you know just now my dad cut his finger just now when he's cutting the fruits. Then he told me to get the plaster for him. i don't know why but i just felt so hurt you know the painful feeling, as if i got the cut too. Then is like when i pasted the plaster on to his finger, i can feel the poke in my heart and really wonder how painful it was. Then i wondered why i feel this so much. Sometimes i know i hurt him with my words, i got hurt too when i hurt him. I know i shouldn't but.. =/

I just wished you were still around. I wished more lately because i remembered more about you. i remembered you used to help me in my drawings when i was in primary school. you used to draw for me and each time i bring my drawings to school, all my friends would really envy me for drawing so well, and deep in my heart, i really felt very happy, very proud. you know, the other day when i was sketching, i really wished you were there then. I know i can still ask you to help me if.. you're still around. and then i really feel like crying because i really miss you. i really want you back you know.. ='( ='(

i recalled those weekends when both of us ate dinner together only. you always would ask me to take the fish first, because big bro will eat a lot and then i wouldn't have any left. i remembered.. i always secretly put more rice on to your plate cos sometimes i really think you're very shou.. and you should eat more. i miss your food... miss your everything... miss the sight of you sitting on the chair in the darkness... hai. i miss you a lot.. ='(

Okay this isn't a good night. Getting remorseful and yadayada. Gotta cheer up. It's a brand new week. and... it's seven days more to... *desperate*

Heli Dont ask me why 1:11 AM

Saturday, January 22

"love the art in you and not the you in art"

okie guys, i'm getting real busy soon especially this coming week. I bet i'm going to stay back pratically everyday after school. Wed is x-country but i'm not going to give a damn about it. weird huh? Well... lazy to train. and too strong competitors. =/

Actually i really got to admit sometimes i just gave myself additional stress unknowingly that somehow after i solve the problem, i asked myself "why did it seem so difficult just now?" That's a bad side of me. I don't like too. When i get troubled, i tend to get more ermm tempted to be angry. I realised i haven't been angry for a long long time. Lols. and that's good. =)

Btw peeeeeeps! Pls be free on either 5th or 6th of March! I'm gonna date you guys!

Venue: NYJC LT 4
Event: Wo men de bai yun gang
Cost: 8 dollars ONLY!!

and i'm the props IC! So i'm really going to put lots and lots of effort in making the props and really hope to do the job well. SO plssss give me your fullest support by making that day free and attend the show okie? Promise you the show is interesting de! Get the tickets from me hor pls! =P

Finally tmr is coming! =D

Heli Dont ask me why 8:10 PM

Wednesday, January 19

-tired-

finally the week is almost ending. I'm very tired really. Tired from cracking brain about coming up with ideas for the props. And then tomorrow having the screening test. *gasp* i want to pass my SBJ!! i don't want to go for afternoon PE! *note to my clique: stop stressing me about it ok? that time say so much end up also no test. bleah. [>.<]

*pls pray hard for me that i will pass the screening test tmr and next thur!*

I can't wait for tomorrow to end school. Starting to fear that i cannot catch up in class already. Was talking to mag today about it and j2 life is horrigible. I think i should be glad though that my cca will end earlier. Well, means this feb and till my play is over, i'll be busy like what. As for my npcc, frankly no matter how tired i am, i think i'll just rush down to help out. Don't ask me why though, i just am that committed to it. ;)

So.. please spare me some encouragement when you see me online!!
Heh.. water keeps plant growing tall. Your words will keep me fighting.

*wide smile*

Heli Dont ask me why 9:17 PM

Tuesday, January 18

Raindrops.

i haven't post such entry for a long time.
But today i know a picture speaks a thousand words.
This picture speaks my mind.

I haven't lock myself in a room in a corner for a long time.
I have been running. running away. just like what i did last time.

But raindrops are all i see.
Raindrops are all i can feel.

Heli Dont ask me why 1:46 AM

Monday, January 17

There's gotta be more in life. I think hope is something all of us should have. Life is hope.

A bad week i had last week. Hope this coming one isn't too bad. Lesser stress. Lesser things to do. I want to cope well. I know i will.

Oh friday is a holiday! anyone wanna book me? =P

I want to find my smile back.

Heli Dont ask me why 1:47 AM

Saturday, January 15

I just can't hang a smile on my face lately. I fail to smile properly.. and it's always a deep-thought-look i have nowadays. you called it stress, sad, whatever. School is tiring and getting more difficult. I've a lot of doubts sometime that i don't dare to put it on my face. And then i just recovered from fever, and that two days really drained me lots i guess, both mentally and physically. Piles and piles of work each day, really, it is going to be a tough year ahead. Somehow, i feel weaker already.

But tonight, i just wanna specially thank a group of people and a few others. I wanna say thanks to the gang of people whom i meet up everyday in school, attend tutorials, lectures and toilets together, always fighting for "safe" seats and laughing at one another..

to huishan, ber, weilin, yuting, mag, charissa.. you guys are great. I'm really glad that life in school have all of you to accompany me, really. It's as if everywhere i go there will bound to have something funny or interesting happening. All of you brought me lots of laughter and fun and support and encouragement.. thank you dearies. =)

and then of cos not forgetting the wonderful classmates i have.. ame (* hey gerl, thanks for your testimonial. lols.) and friends, fazi and peeps, xiaoming and men.. yeah all of them are great classmates. I somehow can already picture i'm going to miss all of you at the end of the year. Well, let's all work hard k? ;)

And i want to thank this somebody who's really a "somebody" in my life. Each time i come online, i will always want to seach through all the online-rs to look if this person is around. And when there's someone comment, i wanted to see if it's this person..

to my lighthouse in the fog.. *hugs hugs* thanks eh. we haven't been talking online for a really longggg period of time but nevertheless, your comments in my blog never fail to cheer me up a little always. each time you commented in my blog, i feel happy, and a part of my heart goes cheering. i've been looking forward for a nice chat with you and i know we're going to do so soon (hopefully).. right? do take care of yourself too.. i really miss you loads. =)

All these people are special to me in my life. I hope i've been someone special to some of you too. Life is hard sometimes, but having to go through and know special people make it all worthwhile. =]

Heli Dont ask me why 9:42 PM

Wednesday, January 12

You know how i don't like to go home opening the door and find that its pitch dark and find that i'm the only one at home? Especially when it's such a down and tired day. I need reassurance from my family but i don't know how to get them.. It makes my heart seem heavier.

I don't like to deal with things about needing to confront someone and tell them some unwanted stuffs. I don't know how to approach and say things to you either. I just don't understand why certain things you're not able to see from our point of view, or perhaps you got it but you don't accept it. Okay i understand. Understanding and accepting are two different things. You just don't accept.

just now on the bus, i just had this thought, "just how old am i?" why am i going so many things and maybe even more than people around my age should go through.. just why is it me If i really break down in front of anyone of you, please just let me be alone.. cos i just... need to let it all out someday...

i think.. i really need people to take care of. i cannot stand alone.

i will fall.

Heli Dont ask me why 8:09 PM

Tuesday, January 11

It just don't go away. 38.4 still. what the hell... what's wrong with me...

i suddenly felt so weak, felt like just letting my tears flow and flow and cry non stop.. i don't know why i'm so scared... and i missed my mum a lot... i can imagine her right by my side taking care of me, asking me to wake up and take my medicine, changing the towel to put on my head.. i felt so alone.. dad saw me crying yesterday and i just couldn't control myself.. i don't want him to know i'm crying. i don't want him to know i still miss her...

my brain is hot and heavy.. arhhhh.... felt so helpless now.. so worried i might just collapse..

Heli Dont ask me why 8:56 AM

Monday, January 10

Jus vomitted out my lunch. So unbearable keeping them in my stomach. lucky i woke up already, if not the vommitted stuffs would be on my bed.

Felt so terrible. i miss you mum. i really miss you suddenly. =/

Heli Dont ask me why 2:32 PM

Saturday, January 8

Wow yesterday met up with 5 batches of student councilors!
Then it brought us back to so much of our past memories while talking.
Really missed the fun times and all.
Haha.. and i felt so old among the juniors and so young among the seniors yesterday. *and heh.. cannot control where my eyes are looking at. =P

Heh though so tired yesterday we still went to eat prata after the campfire. Nice prata!

Heh. i've a secret. Hehe. =D

Heli Dont ask me why 1:41 PM

Friday, January 7

I know its wrong for me to feel that way but i'm not sorry for it.
I can't help just feeling and thinking you're just being unfair and bad.
I hate you for doing this again.

Heli Dont ask me why 8:50 AM

simple happy. small happy. contented! =) i feel happy talking to u.

Heli Dont ask me why 1:55 AM

Wednesday, January 5

=/. a very very sad nite. i just want to cry.

Heli Dont ask me why 10:36 PM

Sunday, January 2

-No Title-

Homework undone. as usual.
Gotta log out soon. as usual.
Sian feeling that school is starting. as usual.

Bleah. Just don't like the day before school starts. Sucky feeling.

[>.<]

Heli Dont ask me why 11:39 PM

Saturday, January 1

Filmed!

Woke up super early today and rushed down to hq to help pack stuffs for the tsunami victims. Heh, appeared on the news for 2 sec also not bad la. Well, started doing good deeds on the first day of the year le. Heh. Look out for the news!

Fun?

Well, went to swensens for dinner yesterday and had earthquake generously treated by jinglin. Then they came over to my house to watch "The Incredibles" lols. Can't help laughing at the sight of edna yesterday. Of cos, we drank a little la. Only four of us. =P

Resolutions?

Well lots down the list!

1. Be a nerd.

Okay i just want to mention this. Other than that, well, just wanna stay happy always. 2004 had been a good year and definitely more laughters than the year before but of course not that thrilling with competitions and whatever. Well, but heh i want peaceful life in jc. So yeah, wanna live well, stay healthy, rawk well with good friends, and ermm many many good conversations online! I don't know conversations always leave me smiling. Haha..

and of cos i too wished to be more hopeful in the year, be more optimistic. Especially when i'm blinded by endless obstacles, i will learn to have strength to deal with them all. Yup. and of cos walk nearer to Him!

And to all of you, thank you for making 2oo4 so wonderful for me. I wish all of you a great year ahead. Cheers!!

And I dream
I can run
Like the wind
And be strong
When my heart just wants to give in
I dream, I can be
The hero that's in me
When I dream, I dream

.I can run like the wind and be strong.

Heli Dont ask me why 9:57 PM

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